I have discovered, between the thoughts, and in the space, love.
A love without shame, or guilt. It is curious to discover. To sit with another, as you share your tale. And the unraveling begins. Racked with guilt and shame. It has followed my life, it seems like a disease.
Under each new experience. It sat. Who knew this shadow followed me. It has, and to finally watch it unravel. To have another ask you, “David what is love without guilt or shame?”
Stunned by all that is unraveling, I search for the right answer, smile uncomfortably, shrug, move in my seat, and respond, “I don’t know.” The shadow of shame and guilt it befriended me it seems many years ago. And sitting here, sharing, I realize, I feel uncomfortable sharing. A huge “duh” would be the correct response. And when we are in it, seeing our blind spots can be hard.
I love the movie Forrest Gump. In it he looks at Jenny and says, “I am not a smart man Jenny, but I know what love is.”
Funny for me to ask for what I desire has always been exciting to start, and then slowly that undeserving part would come. Who am I to act? Be successful? Speak? Write? Etc… And I hear the response, “Why not?” Easy right? One can not move forward fully sometimes without the learning. I have busted, sometimes clawed, dealt with harsh judgements, to publish two books, write interviews, act in commercials, film, theater, direct, produce, coach, even just finished a screen play, and I am father, dad, son, friend, and so much more. But never stopped to appreciate these victories. Wow! 2 published books! I was grateful.
And yet there has always been this guilt and shame.
To sit across from someone and have them deconstruct you. Humbling. As I breath deep.
Love. With no more guilt and shame. Like opening a scab. Sitting with it. And feeling all the events with the shadow present.
It takes a great deal of strength to show up and be willing to look at you. With a open mind and heart. I am learning to love myself through it all. Sometimes are death moments, are birth moments. Old phase dying and new one beginning.
I am showing up completely to life without the floaty on of guilt and shame permeating my every decision.
It feels very good to speak my needs, and very real. Without the edge. Without the harshness. Without judgement on myself.
And if those come up. To let them. And remind myself, “I am okay…even now.”