The Grass is Not Greener

I am always amazed by situations. When dealing with couples, families, individuals, business’s, and crisis support, what really is the source of all or may I suggest most problems is that there is something else other than this.  That there has to be a better partner than this, or relationship, or making the wrong the decision.  Yet we are given what we are given in the moment.  The only person to change it, is the person creating the problem.  Let me make a suggestion, the grass is not greener over there, it never will be, why? Because well lets say you are in a relationship and/ or about to make a job decision. Sooner or later you will come to a point where someone at the table offers you a chance to maybe leave your relationship for them, through flirting or games, same can happen in a job.  So lets say you get in your head and think about the option.  What would you do? Most people it seems would really think hard about the option.  Neglecting that what they already have is the option.  In a society addicted to love, romance, sex, power, greed, it never fails to blow my heart when a couple splits because the other believes there is something else, then two weeks later all the things they left their partner for, amazingly show up again, so maybe it wasn’t the partner, maybe it was the “The grass is always greener”.

I had a client offered amazing job, his whole life would change if he took it, better pay, but they would have to move their kids.  Well my client discussed it and said that looking back on the decision he was driven by pride, and money. He up and took his family across the country and within two months the company that had offered him pomp and circumstance, went under.

Another client lost his relationship. He had a friend he had known for years and they occasionally flirted. My client had just found the right person at the time and didn’t realize that he was nervous about this being the one.  So he said, “One night he and his old friend met up and they did a little flirting and the next thing they were meeting up two nights later with out telling his partner. ”  The next thing he was leaving his partner  for his friend, and now he was excited again. He said, ” him and his friend moved quick, it lasted for one month, then something told him he was wrong, and realized why him and his friend where just friends, they split up.  He didn’t realize how much he was addicted to the excitement more than the relationship. He said relationships scared him because he had to be himself and didn’t know how to that.  After realizing this he tried to get back with his old partner.  She didn’t return his calls for months, she wanted to be respected and valued. He realized he thought the grass was greener. Well they got back together and he got comfortable being himself, they have been married happily for ten years now.

The grass is not greener, most of us are addicted to the excitement of the beginning more then we are excited to share our life with someone.   Or build a business with trust worthy people, or enjoy the makings of a great career. We are not patient but patience is a long term thing.  So if right now you are thinking there is something better, or greener over there is, probably not, the diamond right where you are. Relationships are ebb and flow, different from drama created relationships. So enjoy what you have and stop searching.

Thanks for the question from Pakistan.

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Losing My Religion To Discover My Spirit

There is division within us, each of us, we are here to end the division and know ourselves and that will lead to complete freedom.  That is true education.  We see that division  throughout the world in nationalities, most religions, race, traditions, politics, relationships, etc..  So how can one be free if they are attached to an idealogy, concept, or image. Because freedom is not attached to anything, it is free. We have been dialoguing about the minds concept of God. Can we be completely attentive to what is? Most religions are built on concepts, idea’s of what the mind believes is God. With those ideas of the mind, come rules, levels, good/bad, division, yet division can only be found in the thoughts. Where there is division there is conflict, war. So as more and more people are leaving religion, what is the search for, the search can only be that of freedom. Most religions box the idea of God, making the suggestion that God can be boxed in, that God is super human with good/bad people, that God punishes, that this God which created all in its image and likeness as we find in Genesis, “God created all and it was good”, then can exclude different groups. We then pick and we focus on the different passages in the bible to back up this concept of God, image of God, idea of God, which are based on the small intellect (mind based thinking) about the whole.

It would seem much more adventurous to look at the mind and religion. So what is religion?  Is religion just another concept of the mind? Lets take a look at the system of the mind. We have a person who is frightened by life, in fear of death, it knows on a physical level everything comes and goes and dies, yet on psychological level it is scared to die. What is scared to die? Just look at it. We seem scared of death in the west, even to look at it. We show violence on TV and movies and yet when soldiers die, we won’t look at it. We deny death constantly. So what is death? Strange to ask when I am speaking about losing my religion. Death is losing what we know, losing everything in an instant that we have spent a lifetime holding on too. So everything goes, including, being right, ideals, values, concepts, bias, judgements, and so on. So rather than being with what is, we escape. Rather than sitting with it,” Okay here I am, so and so has died, but I feel lonely, scared, sorrowful”, and so rather than being with that, we escape and form more turmoil. Rather than admit, okay I am attempting to escape this now, once you see your escaping, then you are able to be with it, be with what is happening, so you discover the lonely feeling, the loss, but what has been lost. This person which you have had in your life, but is the sorrow for them, or is it your own self pity for the loss. What are you going to do? Right. I am not suggesting death and dying shouldn’t be felt,  but I am simply asking you to be with the example. Death was coming, no surprise,  and yet you wanted to escape it. By not being with your own death, it is difficult not to bring that to another.  So they die, and now you have loss. You feel this loss. So you stay with the loss of the person and as you stay with the loss, which is loneliness, you go deeper and you realize that you never knew how to love, that you have never loved, that your love is selfish. That your love for this person, religion, idea of them, memories of them, was really what you were in love with. But that isn’t love, that is really death. You were living to die. You weren’t love, but because of their death, they were able to point you to love, real love, which is acceptance of now.

If you were to cut your arm, you would take action, but if you thought about cutting your arm then it would be different. Most religions sell you  on  ideas, traditions, rituals, and an idea about a afterlife. Give us money and when you die, after being saved  you will meet so and so in heaven. This existence is hell we told on earth, but when you leave all will be well. You will be well. So you feel good for a short time with the idea. Problem solved, no thinking, follow the mind made rules and live a good life, and all the stuff that comes, and then I can get a free ticket to heaven, God loves my group more and so we are chosen. My Jesus did this for me, my Jesus saved me, my Jesus died for me, and yet depending on what you believe the outcome changes, depends on your faith. So we are conditioned to not question the myth, stories, and ask deeper questions.  Of course you crave happiness, you crave love, because you might have been baptized as a sinner (mistake), and if that is your start in life then the rest is just trying to survive to get anywhere but here.  So you are born powerless.  So where do you go? Well you have to go where there is power. Because if they have power out there then they know the way. But you soon learn that they are powerless as well.  So you are unsatisfied and you leave the religion.  The search for who you are begins, now something knows you are free.  But the mind is so conditioned by powerlessness, gripped by fear, worry, confusion on trusting itself, trusting its life, that it searches for anything, like a lost soul. Lost in translation.  It continues with what it knows, to survive to keep alive, to work, struggle, live in pain, torture, because that is the images it was sold.  Images of a man crucified for you, and a group of people wrote texts on this man being the only sun (son) of God.  So what is left for you but to follow the only one.  Right? Lets be real now. So here you are lost and confused. Then some lonely traveler suggests that you have power, in you, but like a wounded child, you don’t want to look at it. See it. You start to think, which, got here in the first place, your thinking and not questioning, “How can I have power?” Deep inside you feel wounded, angry, abandoned, hopeless, and astray.  You are in life of pain and that is your comfort.  You have no idea of love,except the idea and images you were sold in stories, myths, TV, and film.  This conditional love.  You are even told Jesus loved unconditionally, forgave unconditionally. But if he was chosen then there is no hope for you.  God had plans for him and not you. You get mix messages, just like the mind. God is love and created all, but only created one son, what? It sounds like the mind.

So you are weary, tired, alone, and you are yearning for a connection to something bigger. There has to be something bigger here, this can’t be it. I have to save myself from myself. So maybe you come back to religion, or you turn to drugs, food, drama, chaos, fights, not because you really want too, but because your pain is your comfort, loving yourself makes no sense. It makes no sense because you feel abandoned by God. But God never left you.

Maybe you stay there, maybe you crumble, maybe at this point you don’t give a care anymore, it is up too you.  Or maybe as you read this, you discover that closing your eyes and breathing gives you comfort.  But the noise is so loud and you feel uncomfortable. But in a instant you felt a minute of peace.  So the next day, you come back and the discovery gets longer.  You continue on, and as you continue on you realize that the silence is the freedom. That Jesus, and Buddha were messengers for all of us. They taught us how to connect to the everything and make it personal.  It’s in you. That silence has no dogma, no rules, no levels, no greater than or less than, it simply is profound.  And when realized by you, then you can see the real message of Jesus, that he was speaking about the Christ in you, in me, and in everyone. That Buddha was speaking of the Buddha nature in you, and me, and everyone. Call it the witness, call it God-consciousness, call it what you will, the name isn’t important. The experience is. The experience is personal and sacred for each person.  Remember you are hu-man which means God-man. Jesus and Buddha just want you to discover the God, to understand the man. When you do, you will discover your spiritual nature.  Freedom.  True freedom.

When this happens, you will understand the universal laws of love, adjustment, cause, attraction, forgiveness, and celebrate in spiritual centers of Truth not fear. You will explore death and sit with it. Your death.  And when you discover what death is, as you live now, you will discover what Jesus meant when he said, “Heaven is at hand.”  You can’t see till you stop running from it. Stop running from death, and you will discover God. You are not a mistake, you are made good, all of you, not some of you, all of you.  “God created all and it was good.” So let this be an invitation to re-examine, to question, to look at it the escape, the story, that we are repeating to ourselves and propagating in the ourselves and the world.  You may go from religion to religion, but ask yourself, “What am I really scared of finding out?  What is this idea of death?  Is it real? Is it false?  What are my superstitions? What have I been taught about God?  What is running from now?” Celebrate your life, not run from it. Celebrate your spirit with a group who includes all, whether that group is religious or spiritual in nature.

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Relationships: Stop making them wrong and yourself right

I just read something that was sent to me, it read, “when you are in a relationship and you are wrong about something admit it, on the other hand if you are right keep quiet and move on, relationships are a team not a competition.”  In working with couples, the biggest communication break down is misunderstanding. That’s all. Either one just needs to be a little clear without imposing a view on the other.  Understanding comes first in understanding yourself, knowing yourself, as you become clear on who you are, relationships become clear.  Most relationships are built on a concept of prove it to me. Because people’s ego’s have been hurt in relationships they enter a relationship with the idea of  being hurt.    When you enter a relationship in defense or lack of trust, then it becomes a slippery slope.  You become pride filled and above the other person. As they get close you pull away, and make them prove their trust.  Over and over.  You may say to them you would like something, lets say to watch a specific movie, so your partner gets the movie and you decide that wasn’t enough, your not satisfied, your partner has not met your expectation, even though that is what you said.. So you withhold from them till they shower you with gifts to prove they are good enough for you.  This push and pull is considered normal in relationships, with constant tests, mind created expectations, manipulating the other, and control all of which come form lack of understanding the self and your partner.  When you choose not to understand your partner then right and wrong become weapons.  “I told you, you should’ve done what I said, you are wrong, I am right,” really just old unresolved hurts, mistrust, of what. Of life. As you understand yourself, you understand life has seasons, changes, grows, moves forward, and is patient.  Some relationships can’t move forward because one partner is unwilling to move, they seem stuck in the past, concerned and comparing what it used to be, rather than enjoying the journey.  People addicted to love and loving, create drama in a relationship where there simple is none.  They need the excitement of something, so rather than enjoying right now, they create in their mind obstacles to get over, problems to work on, push the other away, some will flirt with others right in front of their mate, and even partake in scandalous relationships, just so they can satisfy their urge for heightened energy.

There is really nothing exciting about being right and making someone else wrong, or making someone prove that they love you over and over again. In fact it is tiring and so most relationships end, rather than nurture each other.  A relationship is like breathing, it needs the space to expand and contract, and know both is okay.

Another reason relationships take a turn is the lack of understanding and compassion for each other. You think that would be present but because people are not present with each other, they create problems.  How wonderful to sit and laugh for the night.  One of the biggest problems is the comparison game. Some partners compare others relationships to their partner,  “If you don’t full fill my needs then I am out the door, you know so and so my last boyfriend had this, you don’t have it.”

How quickly you can stop and be with yourself through out the day would make an incredible difference in the relationship. Find things you appreciate about your partner, find the good, stop pointing out what isn’t working, and look what is, improve communication by not putting them down and expecting them to read your mind. People cannot read your mind, so let them know what is going on, give up telling your partner about all your relationships, and respect who you are with. When you are away from each other enjoy that time, so when you come back together you can enjoy that too.  If you find yourself away and want to know if what you are doing is the right thing, ask yourself, “Would I be doing this if my partner was with me now?” If not, please walk away form the situation.  Keep things simple. Spend time meditating together rather then watching TV. Find space where you are not working all the time and checking your cell phone. Checking your cell phone in front of your partner all the time, gives off the impression there is something better than this in your life. The grass is not greener, trust my experience with clients. What you have should be honored from both parties, not one.


Embrace your differences and be happy to explore them.  Save your self the hassle, stop making each other right or wrong and accept the other person where they are. If you want to change your partner, stop, breath, and ask what you can change within yourself. Relationships are not factories of changing, fixing, saving, they are places of exploration. IF your partner is going through something, be with them. Let them experience it.  DON”T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL. If your partner is taking things out on you, maybe it is time to stop, and ask them to take a time out.  I hate to break the news to you, but when you blame, complain, lecture, lash out on your partner, that is yours to own, not theirs, so get real with yourself, and be real.  Your feelings are yours.  OWN THEM.  This is a team, a team of growth, understanding, healing the old, and love. Love is kind, generous, and giving, not taking, and remember the quicker you appreciate them the quicker the relationship will return to love.

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Love Is A Marathon, Not A Sprint

I had the wonderful opportunity about three years ago to run in the Los Angeles marathon. When training began it seemed overwhelming, but after talking to the coaches I was reassured that it would be okay. We started off with little runs, and then moved on the weekends to bigger runs. Before I trained for the marathon I started running about year out. I started with simply running one lap around the track, then two, then a mile. As I built my lungs up, I trusted my feelings to move me forward not my head. I realized early on that my head wanted everything now. It wanted a 3 hour time in the marathon, wanted to be noticed, wanted, wanted, wanted, well after evaluating the runs over time, I realized that this was my first marathon and found a comfortable time that would be realistic for me. I loved everyday running, somedays I felt really good and it was smooth, other days when I had to make bigger runs I realized they weren’t smooth but I still had training to do and did it.

I bring this up because love is a marathon, sometimes when people get into relationships they want the house, husband/wife, kids, dog. cars, and yet they don’t breath, grow, and learn with their partners and how they are in relationships, in fact they try sprinting and they tire out and move to the next relationship because they are exhausted, impatient, and in blame mode about the expectations their partners didn’t meet. But that isn’t love, we all know this and yet we get our pants in knot over love. Love is a marathon, meaning things come up, thing arise, and adjustments need to be made. How you handle the marathon of love is handle you handle your life. In a country with divorce, dropping lovers each week, speed dating, wanting it now, internet dating, quick fix society living, we miss that love is a marathon. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

When I was training I was committed to the marathon, in relationship we are committed to the other, that means no matter what comes up, we will work with it, be a team, and explore the possibilities. If things came up in my training, I didn’t complain to others about it, I just adjusted to it and moved forward. In fact if I did mention it, guaranteed someone would quip, “Dude you are running a marathon, I couldn’t do that.” When you realize that love is marathon it allows you to enjoy everyday and live it fully, when love becomes a sprint you miss the point, we are learning to love and create in loving ways. That is a process of patience.

So relationships are based on softening up, being receptive, and enjoying, rather than the old paradigm of wanting, expecting, and running away from things. Many people in relationships with their self and another panic. Impatience is panic, like sprinting it is exhausting, tiring, and before you know it, you are dwelling on what used to be. There is no aliveness, newness, because sprinting is about getting to the next moment, a marathon is about enjoying. A world class marathoner quipped, “Americans are funny at marathons, they have their goals, times, lists, and they forget to have fun and enjoy the race, I wonder if they live life that way.”

Are you living to get to the next thing? Are you living to die? Living to die means that you don’t want to experience life fully, you are not involved fully. My hope is that you live love as a marathon and enjoy it. Give yourself a break each day and enjoy nature, friends, lovers, family, fully. Marriage isn’t awful, but it is when you need, want, sprint, push, hold on to everything, don’t want to learn/grow with yourself in the relationship and the other. A relationship is how you are perceiving the other and how you perceive yourself. Some people create the same relationships and are bummed they are not married, kids, house, etc…well guess what, who is the central character in the story, who needs to change, when I ran the marathon, it wasn’t about anyone else but how I was viewing myself. Same in love. Be gentle with yourself, love is a marathon, so enjoy each other and give each other break for goodness sakes. Your partner is doing what they know and so are you. Stop punishing them all the time, or criticizing them. Appreciate what, and who you have. Maybe it ends, maybe you continues on, but treat it as a marathon. There is no reason why we can’t live for 40, 50, years with someone, the only reason is because we don’t want to run the marathon, we want to run the sprint and live for the end.

In a relationship, appreciate rather then criticize, love rather than judge, hug, touch, and feel rather than hide, escape, and run. Be honest, and when your wrong admit it, and when your right shut up, don’t rub it in. I love this, “Just because your right doesn’t mean I am wrong.” Relationships like a marathon is a process of learning, growing, and appreciating life, please do. Stop venting about your 4 month, 2 year, 5 year relationships as though they were the difficult ones of your life. Maybe you simply need to run the marathon and stop sprinting to get things and wants met.

Questions, sessions,

Feeling Lost?

Most people feel lost in some way, whether that is in their career, relationships, money, health, somewhere or some part of their life they feel a sense of disconnection from the whole. That is expressed with, “I feel lost”, “I don’t know who I am”, or subtle forms, “Its my partners fault”, “My boss has it in for me,” or “Every relationship that I have been in turns out this way.”  This sense of feeling lost can only found in  one place, your thoughts.  You simply are never disconnected from the whole.  But you have to discover it for yourself. This is the part of life where no body is going to hold your hand and say it is going to be easy. This discovery is the same one Buddha, Jesus, and the mystic’s of our time have each made.  

Our society, educational systems, and corporations are built on the idea of problem solving.  We teach our young people to create problems, and solve them, so when things are going well in someone’s life they will find a problem and solve it.  People are not very comfortable with going with things, but they are very comfortable with creating problems, drama, and chaos.  And yet all we hear is love is all there is, or be still and know. Wonderful ideas that have been passed down from tribe to tribe, but not so comforting when you feel lost.  

This sense of being lost is found in the mind.  The mid is subtle in the way it pulls you in to a story and sometimes a very loud story about you and the other. But most of time the thoughts are feeding you ideas, concept, and beliefs you already know.  So how does one get past being lost. Here is a little hint.  You. You are the key to the whole darn thing. Not your partner, relationships, money, health, food, etc…sure all these things outside of you are showing you what you believe but none of them are going to change till you decided to look at yourself.  Why should anything change for you outside in order for you to be happy?   Once you see what you are looking at with new eyes, then what you see changes.

But how can you see it when you are clouded with thoughts? Awareness is a key component.  I will talk about awareness in my next blog.  

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Spirit and Matter

Spirit and Matter

By David Matthew Brown

Q: I have a question about spirit and matter, what is the difference?

A: Lets dialogue about it. When you have this idea about spirit, spiritual things, and spiritual way of living and so forth…what does that bring up?

Q: Well the first thing that comes to mind is expansiveness, bigness…

A: Good, where is it…where is this expansiveness…. Is it there? Over there? Is it here?

Q: Well I would say that is everywhere.

A: So this thing that you call spirit is everywhere…correct? Am I hearing you correctly?

Q: Yes it is everywhere.

A: So what is it? The mind wants to figure it out. What is everywhere?

Q: Well God is everywhere. It is infinite.

A: God is everywhere and so everywhere is where God is.

Q: Yes. God constitutes everything and all space.

A: So according to your mind and this movement of mind…God is spirit…which would be everywhere…

Q: Yes this presence, which is higher in thinking…

A: So a presence, which is everywhere and yet higher, which would make one wonder if they were separate from everything…would it not? Are you separate from God?

Q: No I would say that I am not.

A: So there is consciousness and different levels of consciousness…is that what you are saying?

Q: Well yes there would be different levels of consciousness, God, spirit…

A: Right but God is everywhere right…so there is no place where God is not…correct?

Q: Yes.

A: So can there be any problems? It seems like there are different levels of God. That your problems open you up to the next level of God…

Q: Yes it moves you up the levels..

A: Have you moved up the ladder? Is there somewhere you wish to go?

Q: Yes I would like to get to enlightment?

A: Okay, you get there then what? You know it all and you have all the answers and the learning stops.

Q: I never saw it that way.

A: Again we come back to what is.  Enlightenment is a showy word that is over used by thinkers to achieve more and more. You have a rich man who is attached to money and power and fame and then you have the seeker who is attached to enlightment, power, and fame. Both lost and confused by the idea. Only a thought can divide itself in a conflict. In this case the conflict is God.  You have suggested God is everywhere, correct? And yet it appears that this God has levels to it. And that this God is keeping you in a place till you pass a test of some kind.  Right? So now this God is a concept of ideas to be believed in. Yet the idea has created a problem within itself.  Do you see? The idea suggests that in the future I will attain this thing, sometime. Yet there are other people who have attained this idea and understand it more.  So now you find yourself going to others to understand that which is present…now.  They call themselves gurus, priests, spiritual leaders, and still you listen to them as though they hold a key to something bigger than you. To save you from this “me”.  Which has divided itself against itself.  As they teach you, or you read books, you gain more intellect, and separate yourself from the consciousness that is now.  In order to understand God, you must understand what God is not.  You cannot find God in thought. Yet most religious traditions are based on thought. Thought divides itself into beliefs. Enlightenment is a term. That term has become an image for you. It will always be in the future.  Observe the image and feelings, when they come up. Don’t condemn them. Just allow them to be.

Q: So there is God?

A: (Laughs) You expect me to give the answer so you can move on with your life. You must want it as if you want the next breath.  Your breath is breathing you and you never question it, but if you were to question it, you would understand it.  Do see?

Q: So God is everywhere and is not this “me”.

A: Correct.

Q: So this “me” separates itself and becomes its own identity. An identity, which I call “me”.  But I am not this “me”. Yet when I observe it. I will understand the nature of God.

A: Good. Good start. So what are problems?

Q: Problems would be a conflict with something.

A: What is the conflict?

Q: Between what is real and unreal.

A: Right. This “me”, wants to be right, judge, complain, blame, lie, steal, be dishonest, and so forth. You must look at that. Because the very nature of “me” forms the second part of your question, “What is matter?’ Matter is formed by thought.

Q: Matter is formed by thought?

A: So what is matter? See we have to start with the process and move slowly. Not get ahead of our selves.

Q: Matter is physical, tangible…

A: Tangible.

Q: Yes tangible, you can feel it, smell it, touch it…

A: Okay so if this matter is tangible is it real?

Q: Well yes it is to me.  I can feel it.

A: So if you can feel it then it’s real?

Q: Yes.

A: It makes itself real because you see it and feel it? Is that what you are saying?

Q: Yes that sounds right.

A: So real to me is permanent, fixed, does this matter change in any way?

Q: Yes it changes form, feelings, senses, and age…

A: So it sounds unreal, impermanent, changing…

Q: Yes it does. Well it feels…

A: What feels?

Q: I feel.

A: Yes but how are you feeling? What are feelings?

Q: Feelings would be thoughts…

A: Okay so the thoughts seem to be changing right, so do your feelings change based on your thought about something. One minute you are slave to diet and the next you eat like a pig. What changed?

Q: My thought about the subject.

A: Good.

Q: So as my thoughts change, matter changes.

A: Yes. So is matter real?

Q: No. Either are these thoughts. But they appear to get my attention.

A: Not really.  You had to observe them and question them before they got your attention. Otherwise they would just keep taking action on anything and reacting to everything.

Q: Okay.

A: The only fact is what is happening now. Deal with it. Investigate it. Question it.  Be skeptical of it.  Forget about religion, organizations, politics, government, and etc question yourself, question the problem. It is work. But in order to change humanity, you must do it now.

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