Relationships: Stop making them wrong and yourself right

I just read something that was sent to me, it read, “when you are in a relationship and you are wrong about something admit it, on the other hand if you are right keep quiet and move on, relationships are a team not a competition.”  In working with couples, the biggest communication break down is misunderstanding. That’s all. Either one just needs to be a little clear without imposing a view on the other.  Understanding comes first in understanding yourself, knowing yourself, as you become clear on who you are, relationships become clear.  Most relationships are built on a concept of prove it to me. Because people’s ego’s have been hurt in relationships they enter a relationship with the idea of  being hurt.    When you enter a relationship in defense or lack of trust, then it becomes a slippery slope.  You become pride filled and above the other person. As they get close you pull away, and make them prove their trust.  Over and over.  You may say to them you would like something, lets say to watch a specific movie, so your partner gets the movie and you decide that wasn’t enough, your not satisfied, your partner has not met your expectation, even though that is what you said.. So you withhold from them till they shower you with gifts to prove they are good enough for you.  This push and pull is considered normal in relationships, with constant tests, mind created expectations, manipulating the other, and control all of which come form lack of understanding the self and your partner.  When you choose not to understand your partner then right and wrong become weapons.  “I told you, you should’ve done what I said, you are wrong, I am right,” really just old unresolved hurts, mistrust, of what. Of life. As you understand yourself, you understand life has seasons, changes, grows, moves forward, and is patient.  Some relationships can’t move forward because one partner is unwilling to move, they seem stuck in the past, concerned and comparing what it used to be, rather than enjoying the journey.  People addicted to love and loving, create drama in a relationship where there simple is none.  They need the excitement of something, so rather than enjoying right now, they create in their mind obstacles to get over, problems to work on, push the other away, some will flirt with others right in front of their mate, and even partake in scandalous relationships, just so they can satisfy their urge for heightened energy.

There is really nothing exciting about being right and making someone else wrong, or making someone prove that they love you over and over again. In fact it is tiring and so most relationships end, rather than nurture each other.  A relationship is like breathing, it needs the space to expand and contract, and know both is okay.

Another reason relationships take a turn is the lack of understanding and compassion for each other. You think that would be present but because people are not present with each other, they create problems.  How wonderful to sit and laugh for the night.  One of the biggest problems is the comparison game. Some partners compare others relationships to their partner,  “If you don’t full fill my needs then I am out the door, you know so and so my last boyfriend had this, you don’t have it.”

How quickly you can stop and be with yourself through out the day would make an incredible difference in the relationship. Find things you appreciate about your partner, find the good, stop pointing out what isn’t working, and look what is, improve communication by not putting them down and expecting them to read your mind. People cannot read your mind, so let them know what is going on, give up telling your partner about all your relationships, and respect who you are with. When you are away from each other enjoy that time, so when you come back together you can enjoy that too.  If you find yourself away and want to know if what you are doing is the right thing, ask yourself, “Would I be doing this if my partner was with me now?” If not, please walk away form the situation.  Keep things simple. Spend time meditating together rather then watching TV. Find space where you are not working all the time and checking your cell phone. Checking your cell phone in front of your partner all the time, gives off the impression there is something better than this in your life. The grass is not greener, trust my experience with clients. What you have should be honored from both parties, not one.

 

Embrace your differences and be happy to explore them.  Save your self the hassle, stop making each other right or wrong and accept the other person where they are. If you want to change your partner, stop, breath, and ask what you can change within yourself. Relationships are not factories of changing, fixing, saving, they are places of exploration. IF your partner is going through something, be with them. Let them experience it.  DON”T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL. If your partner is taking things out on you, maybe it is time to stop, and ask them to take a time out.  I hate to break the news to you, but when you blame, complain, lecture, lash out on your partner, that is yours to own, not theirs, so get real with yourself, and be real.  Your feelings are yours.  OWN THEM.  This is a team, a team of growth, understanding, healing the old, and love. Love is kind, generous, and giving, not taking, and remember the quicker you appreciate them the quicker the relationship will return to love.

Questions, sessions: email: semajse64@gmail.com

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You Don’t Own God

I had the chance to listen to three people debate on God.  One believed strongly that his God was this way, and the other believed his God saw things another way, and then another gentlemen threw in the mix, “I don’t believe in God,”  that is when I laughed.  It came like a flash, “you don’t own God”.”  God isn’t a belief, as you can see belief is separation and it doesn’t feel like it is about belief. It feels like most debates with people on God are based on ownership. With ownership comes rules. That is probably why most people are turned off by organized religion because it takes ownership on the omnipresence and declares their side is right.  That doesn’t feel like a loving presence. If there is one thing most mystic’s have uncovered is that God is love.  That feels like God loves everyone, which it feels like that was the point of Jesus and Buddha’s teachings. Love no matter what. If someone isn’t loving, then forgive and move on.  But you know God, this presence which is everywhere is right where you are and the person is as well.  Discovering this presence is a personal journey. The OUR FATHER is amazing when you can remove the religion from it.  Just meditate on the words OUR FATHER. It doesn’t suggest your father and not mine, it doesn’t say believe in me or else, it asks you to remember that we are one, to understand, bring wisdom to this OUR FATHER. If the word father rubs you wrong then put in LOVE.

TODAY MEDITATE ON: OUR FATHER, just allow the words to be and contemplate them in your heart.

Right/Wrong

It is quite amusing the games we have created in our society.  Someone has to be right and someone wrong. For a brief moment, someone feels good and the other bad. We create fantastic stories about the other person, and with that creation we tell friends, family, strangers, about this wrong this person did and why we are justified in punishing them. When we are really punishing ourselves.  But in a year from now, the story will be the same and the attention will be on someone new.

A  teacher of mine said one time, “Just because your right, doesn’t make me wrong.” Funny that we do the same thing in spiritual environments. That person is spiritual, that person is not. I like this way, this teacher is good, and they are not.  I know this person they could never change, and when they do the story is ruined. It is all story. We are making it up.

The only way you’ll know if something is real or fake is showing up and being with it. You will know. Trust that and move on. So the person is telling half truths about you, lying, cheating, etc…who cares.  Move on. Bless them. Retell a different story. Then why you are retelling the story, remember it is all a story. Then you will smile.

Beyond the story of right or wrong is something much more important. You will have to discover it for yourself. No one can get you there. You can’t take it from someone. You can read books, go to lectures, pay a teacher lots of money, retreats, all the rest of it, but there will come a time when you will have to stop judging it, and make the move. That is journey. To finally leave what you know behind- ALL OF IT.

What is it like for you? Tell me about it. That is far more interesting, then you telling me about what a teacher told you about. Big deal. How do you feel the essence? How do you connect to it when everything around you is saying look away? How do you stay present when everything you know is falling away? Where do you go? It is easy to give advice but can you live it, walk it, and be open to it, in every breath you take.

Right and wrong is a judgement that has worked…but seems to be losing the fight. Because we fight, there can be only be right or wrong. Be when we can just be, then there is openness, tears, laughter, and acceptance. Healing can only happen when you decide that you want to heal. Then it comes. When you have had enough.

Being alone is not being lonely. Those are two different feelings. Can you ever be lonely? Discover being alone. The old English word for alone is ALL ONE. So for today just get know ALL ONE.  See what happens for you. Let that be your gift.  Because in a year who cares who is right and wrong. That is just a small perspective compared to the whole of life.

Love you

 

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